On Becoming Free

My thoughts often turn to her when I'm driving on the interstate alone.  Sometimes it's the smell of a skunk because she always yelled about how much they stunk.  Other times it's the sight of a horse trailer, and I can almost audibly hear her yell, "Horse trailer!" in that excited way she did.  And then I see her smile and her blue eyes, and I see her face like it was yesterday even though it's been 15 years.

Losing her was the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Of course, there have been other hurts.  Losing my first love, homesickness, but all of those invariably healed over time.

It's different with her.  I still feel the pain of her leaving, although it has numbed considerably and I rarely let it out.  But on those long drives on the interstate, it often comes up to the surface and begs to be seen.  Maybe it was because she was one of the first people to take me places, to show me the world beyond my hometown.  Maybe it was because she took me to work with her and opened my eyes to new things. 

I often wonder if she knew how much she meant to me back then.  I hung on her every word and I wanted to be like her in every way.  I wanted to write like her, I wanted to dress like her, I wanted a car like hers, I wanted a life like hers.  I even wanted dogs like hers.  Her favorites were my favorites.  When she left, I didn't even know what my favorite color was because it had always been hers.  I remember buying the same shoes she had and being afraid she would wish I hadn't.  I looked out the window, sat on the porch, and waited for her almost every evening.

It was a Friday when she told my parents she was leaving.  I was not there, but I remember myself back in that Sears' dressing room the next day when my mom told me she was leaving.  I remember time slowing down.  I remember the shock, the disbelief, the wondering, the listening to my mom attempt to explain that which couldn't being explained.  I remember my world changing that day, that moment in time in which my world split in half.  I remember the visceral need I felt to see her, to talk to her.  I remember calling and leaving a message that I wanted to see her when she got home- not knowing then that she was out telling others she was leaving while I was waiting for her to come home.

I waited for her that night and then I saw her, but I don't remember anything she said.  I just remember seeing the hurt.  I remember seeing the sheets that showed he was sleeping downstairs while she was sleeping upstairs.  I remember her saying we could get ice cream the next day, on Sunday, one last time before she left on Monday.

On Sunday morning, I remember my youth minister pulling me close and enveloping me completely when I fell into her arms and told her what was happening.  I remember crying and feeling like my world was crumbling beneath me. 

I remember sitting on a picnic table getting ice cream together that Sunday afternoon, just the three of us, one last time, but not feeling like we used to.  I remember seeing a made-up mind ready to move on and a broken heart not even knowing how to move.

I remember looking out the window Monday morning, seeing her parents' car there to pack her up and take her away.  I remember wondering how all that could happen in one day. 

I remember sitting on my best friend's couch saying it was the worst one of my life when her mom asked how my weekend was.  I remember thinking that was a first!

I remember the grace of a sweet card from a friend the week after she left.  That friend was sorry for my pain, and that card stayed on my dresser for months.  It was a gentle reminder each morning that someone saw and cared about my pain and that there was still some good in the world. 

I remember checking on him in those first days and weeks and I mostly remember silence and emptiness and wondering if things would ever be okay.

I remember learning of the pictures he sent with her so she would remember the life she left behind.

I remember thinking lots of homework was a good thing because it gave me something to focus on other than her.

I remember letters eagerly written and sent with my love and adoration for her professed.  I remember waiting and waiting for replies.  I remember letting my dad hold me like a baby in the recliner one evening as I cried.  I remember his smell and I remember feeling safe.  I can't remember if it was because there was no reply or because it hadn't been what I'd hoped. 

I still have those letters in a box under my bed.  They have moved with me umpteen times.  I think there are three of them, and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to read them again after all these years.  Would I read them differently now, as an adult, with so much time gone by?

I remember calling once, in a desperate last attempt to see her after an unanswered request.  I can't remember if I cried on the phone to her mother or not.  I remember learning in a letter that she had been out of town and unable to visit as I had hoped. 

I remember going to a family dinner with him at a nice restaurant, the first one without her, trying hard to be okay and have fun. 

I remember my mom cooking for him and the three of us going on walks in the evenings.

I remember the encouragement of a sweet friend who urged me to talk to her and share my feelings when I would see her in the fall to try to get some closure.  I remember seeing her that one time in the fall, hoping for answers, but not really getting any.  I remember her telling me the reason she didn’t call or write often was to make it easier for me.   

I remember standing in my freshman dorm room when she called to invite me to her wedding.  I remember where the phone was and what the room looked like and what I felt standing there.  I remember it feeling surreal that she was talking to me like everything was fine and that she hadn't stopped communicating with me two years earlier.  I remember feeling it would be disloyal for me to go.  Besides, it was miles away, states away, and I was in college.

I remember learning of a friend who had stopped her parents from separating and feeling like I should have done more.  I remember thinking if I had stayed close to her the last years she was there that maybe she would have stayed.  I remember thinking I should have pitched a fit and begged her not to leave.  I remember thinking that in some small way it was my fault or that at the very least I could have prevented it.

I remember inviting her to my wedding and getting no response.  I remember this being the last time I tried.  I remember getting a card a month after my wedding from her with his name, too.  I remember thinking it might have been better if I had gotten nothing.

I remember talking to two different counselors about her, about the possibility of contacting her.  One said I should let her know in advance and asked me what my expectations were.  Years later, the other one said she may not have known how important she was to me, and I may not have been as important to her as she was to me.  She said that in the midst of all she was going through at the time, she probably wasn’t thinking much about me.  She said if she hadn’t initiated contact, she had probably moved on.  I think those were the hardest words to hear.  How could she not have known?  How could I not have mattered to her as much as she mattered to me? 

Four months ago, when I wrote this post, it ended here in this sad place.  It ended with me wanting to know if I ever even mattered to her.  But the Lord in His graciousness wouldn't leave me there.

Now I can see that she was swept up in other things and other people.  Now I can see that none of that minimizes the close relationship we had in previous years.  Now I can see that she probably loved me in her own way, even if she didn't express it well.  Now I can see that I am not responsible for her choices.  Now I can see how it would have been hard for her to keep in touch with me.  Now I can see that as a child, I could not understand everything that was happening.  Now I can see that people aren't meant to be saviors.  Now I can see that it was never God's desire for me to be hurt by her.  (A sermon here by Jen Hatmaker on 9/6/15 helped with this.)

Many years have passed, and I have grown in a lot of ways- in relationship ways and in spiritual ways.  I used to need validation and approval from others to feel okay.  It has taken such a long time, but I do not need those things anymore.  I can treasure my friends and family and the good times we have without needing them to make me okay.  I can accept them wholly- with all of their strengths and shortcomings.  I can appreciate them more readily and forgive them more freely.  My happiness is not dependent on their performance. 

I have finally, finally found my worth in Jesus.  I have had a relationship with Him since I was 13 years old, but I tried to earn His approval the next 18 years of my life.  It has just been in the last few months that I have taken hold of the truth that Jesus is my righteousness.  I can not be good enough, do enough good things, or try hard enough to earn God's favor or approval.  I actually already have it because I trusted in Jesus to forgive me and make me clean back on that hot July night when I walked down the aisle and sang, "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus."  Jesus stands in my place and He is all that God sees when He looks at me.  I am so, so thankful to God for revealing this truth to me through Scripture, song, Bible study, and discussion with other believers.  I think my 32nd year is going to be my best year yet because I am finally, finally free.

Click here to listen:

Before the throne of God above

I have a strong and perfect plea

A great High Priest whose name is love

Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hands

My name is written on His heart

I know that while in heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart

No tongue can bid me thence depart

 

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end of all my sin

Because the sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me

To look on Him and pardon me

 

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Praise the One, Risen Son of God

 

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb

My perfect, spotless Righteousness

The great unchangeable I AM

The King of glory and of grace

One in Himself, I cannot die

My soul is purchased by His blood

My life is hid with Christ on high

With Christ my Savior and my God

With Christ my Savior and my God

 

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Praise the One, Risen Son of God

"Before the Throne of God Above"

Shane and Shane arrangement

Acoustic Cover by Jason Waller 

 

Strangely Ready

I have interviewed for two jobs in the past month and received neither one.  I handled the first rejection well.  I had been a little worried about how my sons would do and the longer it went on, the more prepared I was to hear that I was not the one they had chosen. 

The second one moved a lot quicker and I was more excited about it. Maybe this was why I hadn’t gotten the first job, I thought.  I wasn’t nearly as worried about my sons this time because I knew it would be meaningful work for me.  I still haven’t heard for sure, but the day they were to make a decision has come and gone, so I’m fairly certain I didn’t get it either. 

Our lesson at Bible study this week was on the first 26 verses of Philippians.  Paul was in prison, but he sang and worshipped anyway.  His greatest desire was for people to hear about Jesus.  While he prayed, the jail doors were opened, but he stayed so the jailer wouldn’t get in trouble.  The jailer and his family became believers and were baptized because of the way Paul handled his misfortune.  Even though he was in chains, he was encouraged that the imperial guard had all heard about his Jesus and other believers were more courageous in sharing their faith, all because of his imprisonment.  This was the lesson on the day I didn’t get the second job.



Truth hanging in my kitchen

I did not envision my life turning out this way.  When I was younger, I did not think I would be a stay-at-home mom.  I thought I would have a fancy job that really helped people.  But then I did not get the Z. Smith Reynolds job that sounded really impressive.  And then my job at Goodwill Industries helping people get jobs fell through the day I was moving to Winston because they lost their funding.  And so I got a job in the Food Stamp Department because I had done an internship there.  I learned a lot, but I did not really feel like I was helping people.  I decided to go back to school to be a teacher because maybe I could help kids who were still in their formative years.  I chose to work at a hard school, and I did it for 3.5 years until my son was born.  But it was much harder than I ever thought it would be.  I do think I helped some kids, but I don’t know that I was cut out for that kind of work.  It was so, so hard and overwhelming to me, and I don’t think I handled the stress or the discipline issues super well.  I looked forward to the day my son was born because I would finally get to meet him, and I would get to leave my job. 

Then staying home was hard, too, in a different way.  It was isolating because I didn’t know the importance of getting out and being with other moms, and I was hesitant to leave my firstborn with others.  By the time he was 7 months old, I was ready to go back to teaching part-time at an easier school.  I loved my job, and my son adjusted fairly well.  He was worn out by the time I picked him up at 1:00, but he enjoyed preschool.  This was a pretty good balance for us.  I worked there for a year and a half, and then along came baby boy number two.  He was a pure delight!  I kept my word and went back to finish out the year after my 12 weeks of maternity leave, and my mom came to keep my little one until school was out.  I thought I would be ready to go back after the summer, but then I wasn’t.  My little one was so easy and cuddly and sweet.  I decided I wanted to stay home with him.  I knew he would nap better at home, and I wanted more time with him.  The second one always grows faster than the first, you know. 


Snuggles with Mom, yogurt on face, on a rare day that this little one didn't nap :)


I stayed home with him and now he is twenty months old, and I thought I was ready to go back to work.  But work hasn’t seemed to work out for me. 

And now my firstborn isn’t napping.  I kept fighting and fighting it, but I’m finding it’s easier to release it.  He simply isn’t going to sleep most days, and it's not worth the battle.  He is very active and he wants to be doing.  So now he has quiet play time in his room instead of napping, and it’s going better because we both stopped pretending he was going to nap. 

My ever-helpful husband suggested a routine, a schedule of sorts for the afternoon, and I liked his idea.  I had hoped a job would solve this problem, but it looks as if that isn’t going to happen.  So I checked out books with ideas for preschoolers and went to Hobby Lobby and got lots of craft materials, and we’re getting there.  I am learning how to adjust and let him create and have fun with it.  I always loved crafts as a child, so why not have fun doing them with my son now?  The cashier at Hobby Lobby commented on how crafty I was and how much he'd love doing them, and I told her I'd never been very crafty but that I was going to try! 

My firstborn, who is all too much like me!
 

At first I wanted to fight it, not just the loss of the nap, but this whole season.

But then I didn’t anymore. 

I want to live the best way I know how with the gifts I’ve been given, including my gracious husband and both of my sons, with all of their sweetness and joy and challenges and tantrums (from my sons, not my husband!).  I have to lean into all of it if I am going to relish it and savor it.  Even when it’s hard and I sometimes wish it were different, it is still very good.  I have to remember that I can embody my Jesus to all three of my boys, and that is a very important job indeed.  Staying at home sounds small, and in many ways it is, but I’m learning that being small is a good thing.  The kingdom of God has always been upside down.  The weak will be strong and the last will be first.  Less of me and more of Him.  Let it be so.   

I'm strangely ready for what comes next,

I'm strangely ready,

It’s hard to describe 'cause it makes no sense.

I’m strangely ready for what comes next.

Count it faith, I got up.

Nothing left for me yet but a longing with trust.

Was it faith?  I don’t know.

You just lifted and led me and I had to go.

Now I’m strangely ready.

 

- from "Strangely Ready" by Sara Groves

Lent

"The LORD is more pleased when we do what is right and just
than when we offer sacrifices."

-Proverbs 21:3 NLT

 

"Clean living before God and justice with our neighbors
mean far more to God than religious performance."

-Proverbs 21:3 from The Message

 

"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.

I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."

-Hosea 6:6 NLT

 

"I'm after love that lasts, not more religion.
I want you to know God, not go to more prayer meetings."

-Hosea 6:6 from The Message

 

2/21/15

God,
 

What do these verses mean?  Proverbs 21:3 caught me by surprise last week in Sunday School.  Ann Voskamp's call to repentance, deliverance, courage- to pray for those things...and 2015: A Lent to Repent and Revive- her call to spend more face time with You than Facebook, among other things...She Reads Truth- an online devotional- they are all stirring in me.  Ann says,

"Until there is repentance, there will be no difference, there will be no deliverance, there will be no resurgence.  Nothing will change unless we change something."

God, I want to change.  I don't totally know how.  Help me, LORD.  I love You and desire You. 
 
Amen. 
 

"Return to the LORD your God,

for He is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger and

abounding in steadfast love."

-Joel 2:13 ESV
(Day 2 of She Reads Truth led me to this verse.
They have beautiful pictures of verses that you can download
to use as the home or lock screen on your phone like the one below.)

 

"Even now- this is the LORD's declaration-
turn to me with all your heart,

with fasting, weeping, and mourning.

Tear your hearts, not just your clothes,
and return to the LORD your God.

For He is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger, rich in faithful love,

and He relents from sending disaster.

Who knows?

He may turn and relent and leave a blessing behind Him,

so you can offer grain and wine to the LORD your God."

-Joel 2:12-14 HCSB

2/22/15

God,

 

I am returning to You.  I am finally realizing what it means to humbly receive You and humble myself before You.  I can't cleanse myself.  I can't transform myself.  In all my doing, I can't do it.  I will not ignore the call to be still and know that You are God anymore.  The waiting and the stillness are so hard for me.  But I've finally realized that I can't do it.  You have to do it in me.  So much of what I do is for recognition and that is not as it should be.

 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a right/steadfast spirit within me."

-Psalm 51:10

 

"Unless the LORD builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain."

-Psalm 127:1a

 

Amen.

 

I have been so encouraged and so changed this Lenten season.  Ann Voskamp's A Lent to Repent and Refresh has moved me and challenged me and made me think differently, and I am only on Day 5!  You can click here to go to her post, and when you scroll to the bottom you can see the 40 Lenten Reflection Cards.  If you enter your email address, you can print them.  They have a Scripture reference, a painting, and a powerful prayer each day about something to fast from, something to do, and something to repent of.  She encourages you to read them slowly and return to them throughout the day.  I have been taking the time to read the Scripture in different translations and then write it in the one that speaks to me most on the back of the card.  Then I slowly think about what it is saying to me.  The intentional pause, re-reading, writing, and reflection are making the Scriptures come alive in ways they never have.  They are changing me.  I am so thankful for this resource.  I have put them on my windowsill above the kitchen sink each day so that I have them to remind me of their words and point me to the Cross that I should never, ever leave. 

 

 

I am finding in the slowing down, in making time with Him, in His Word, in her words, in She Reads Truth devotionals, in reflection, I am able to do more, be more.  It is counterintuitive.  It is the last being first and the first being last.  It is the upside-down kingdom.  I was not being productive in my busyness.  I was trying so hard to be first while appearing last, and it wasn't working.  But the slowing, meditating, trusting Him, is working.  When I stop, He is able to start.  How did I not realize this before?  His ways are certainly higher.  He is ever so slowly transforming and refreshing me as I return to Him daily.  I'm not doing it; He is.  I still fail, daily, even miserably so yesterday; that hasn't changed.  But now I also return and repent, and then He is so faithful to lovingly and hastily refresh.  Thanks be to God. 

Top 11 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Giving Birth

This list may not be life-changing or insightful to you, but these are the things that I wish someone had told me before I gave birth to my littles.  I think if I had known these things, I would have been a little more prepared, a little less overwhelmed, a little more happy, and a little more at peace.  I hope this list can help you or someone you know!

1) I knew labor would be painful; I did not, however, realize that I would be sore for quite a few days after giving birth.

2) It is OK to not be in love with your baby at first sight.  I'd even go so far to say that it is on the spectrum of normal to not experience love at first sight.  I remember having the flu for the first time in my life when my first child was less than two months old.  I called the doctor or lactation consultant to see if it was OK to nurse him even though I had the flu.  They said it was good to still nurse him, but to try not to kiss him all the time and be in his face, as hard as it may be.  I remember thinking to myself, Actually, that won't be hard!  I don't really want to kiss this little thing that won't let me sleep for more than 3 hours at a time!  I also remember being worried that I wouldn't love my second child as much as my first.  Even after he was born and we were in the hospital together, I was still concerned that I wasn't attached enough to him.  But then once I spent more time with him and he was home with me the first few weeks, I fell in love and have been ever since.  Regardless of how you feel in those first few hours, days, and even weeks, it is OK.  I promise your love will grow and change over time. 

3) Always, always, always have a baby washcloth on hand to cover your little one during diaper changes to prevent pee on your walls, clothes, hands, and their clothes!  It also helps to pull their outfit way up behind them so it doesn't get wet when they pee during diaper changes.

4) Let their little bottoms dry out after diaper changes for a minute or two.  My first child ended up with pretty bad diaper rash because I was trying to get the new diaper on him so quickly after I removed the old one.  It's good to let them air out (while covered with a washcloth or burpcloth, of course!)

5) Don't let your sweet little baby nurse for 45 minutes at a time per side or you will probably get sore quickly!  I did not know this, and my first child loved to nurse for long periods at a time early on.  Let's just say I paid a pretty heavy price during the first 3 weeks of nursing. 

6) Call, visit, and befriend your local lactation consultants.  I can tell you with my whole heart that there's no possible way I would have made it nursing without their help.  Simply put, in my opinion, they are miracle workers.  The ones at Forsyth Medical Center are the sweetest, nicest, most encouraging, most helpful people I've ever met, especially Penelope.  She leads the free Nursing Mother's Support group on the first and third Thursdays as well.  Nursing can be very hard at first, but it can be wonderful once you and your baby get the hang of it.

7) Ask for help.  My mom had to encourage me to do this with the lactation consultants.  I've learned it's good to ask for help in other ways as well.  This is simple advice, but it can be very hard to follow sometimes.  Please, do yourself a favor, and allow others the gift of helping you during this special time.  There is no shame in asking for help.  It actually shows courage.

8) Schedules work.  There are some different ones, and you don't have to start right away.  I didn't start until 10 weeks or so with both of my babies, and they have both done beautifully.  Your baby can nap, needs to nap, and will nap if you follow a schedule and read up.  My favorite books here are Babywise and Moms On Call.

9) The Pause!  This comes from Bringing Up Bebe.  I did this so much better with my second child because I had read the book after having my first.  Don't go to your newborn immediately when he cries in the night.  He self-soothed in the womb; he can self-soothe out of the womb.  If you always immediately go to him, he will start relying exclusively on you to soothe him.  This may sound sweet at first, but you want him to have that ability in the middle of the night.  Obviously, use your good judgment, but give your baby a chance to practice soothing himself.  Following Babywise, Moms on Call, and Bringing Up Bebe, my second child slept through the night by 3 months.  You can do it and so can they!!

10) Join a mom's group and/or plan play dates, even when your baby is little.  I did not do this much at all with my first child, and it was hard not having much adult contact.  Find someone with a child close in age and call them or text them.  Go on a walk if it's pretty and they're too little to play.  Whatever you do, be intentional about meeting up with other moms.  There is great community and camaraderie here.

11) Go to the chiropractor when you're pregnant!  It can help ease the pain of labor.  My friend, Heather, did this, and along with other training she was able to give birth naturally!  I'm so proud of her!! On the flipside, there's no shame in having an epidural like I did.  If I was pregnant again, I would definitely go to the chiropractor and see if I could give birth naturally.

One last thought- It just hit me the other night that my sons will one day grow up and not live with me anymore.  They may not even live in the same town as me.  I should have known this, but it hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been thinking about it more.  I've heard it said that the days are long, but the years are short when it comes to being a mom.  I think that's true.  Try to remember to live in the moment with them in their different stages because they are so fleeting.  It's hard to remember that sometimes when you're tired and you just want to be by yourself for five minutes.  But I want to be the kind of mom that my boys will want to call, text, live near and/or visit with often.  Lord, thank You for these boys and let us always be close in spirit even if we're not close in distance.   

IF: Gathering

To be honest, I don't even remember how I heard about the IF: Gathering last year, but it was probably through Jen Hatmaker.  Last year was the first year of this women's conference, and it is back again this February!  IF: Gathering is the vision of Jennie Allen, who has written books and Bible studies such as Restless, Chase, and Anything.  The IF: Gathering exists to "gather, equip, and unleash the next generation of women to live out their purpose."  The gathering started out as an event in Austin, but it sold out so quickly that they decided to offer it online as a simulcast so people literally around the entire world could participate.  

Jennie brought together a wide variety of women's leaders, including speakers, authors, bloggers, and worship leaders, to speak into our lives and lead us in worship.  The name "IF: Gathering" comes from the premise, "If God is real, then what?"  You can read more about it by clicking here.  The local simulcasts that are held around the world are called "IF: LOCAL."  I was introduced to so many different women last year at the conference, and I have read many of their books and blogs after learning about them there.  There are also set times for discussion with conversation cards that help guide us into intentional, meaningful conversations with other women.  Last but not least, there are worship times built into the conference as well.
 

 

Last year, these three friends and I watched the IF: Gathering online in one of our homes.  We didn't really know what to expect, but we were all blown away with the IF: Gathering so much that we want to host it at our church this year in hopes that more women will join us.  Some of the ladies that are affiliated with IF in one way or another are Jen Hatmaker, Christine Caine, Angie Smith, Ann Voskamp, and Rebekah Lyons, just to name a few.  I was blessed by the wide variety of speakers they had last year, and I look forward to what they have in store for us this year.

We will be meeting at Ardmore Baptist Church at 501 Miller Street on Friday, February 6th from 5:30-10:00 pm and Saturday, February 7th from 12:00-6:00 pm.  We would love to have women of all ages, from all denominations, join us.  Please feel free to invite any women you know.  We have our own IF: LOCAL page for our Winston-Salem gathering, and you can register for it by clicking here.  The suggested donation is $25 when you register, but the amount you give is entirely up to you.  You can also go to the IF: LOCAL page by clicking here to search for a gathering near you if you don't live in Winston-Salem.  If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at AnnaRamseyRubin@yahoo.com, and I'll be happy to walk you through it.



The four session titles this year are:
A Call to Believe
Why Don't We Believe?
How Do We Believe?
What Could Happen IF We Believe?

The theme verse this year is Luke 1:45.
"And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord."

-Luke 1:45

May it be true of us.