The second one moved a lot quicker and I was more excited about it. Maybe this was why I hadn’t gotten the first job, I thought. I wasn’t nearly as worried about my sons this time because I knew it would be meaningful work for me. I still haven’t heard for sure, but the day they were to make a decision has come and gone, so I’m fairly certain I didn’t get it either.
Our lesson at Bible study this week was on the first 26 verses of Philippians. Paul was in prison, but he sang and worshipped anyway. His greatest desire was for people to hear about Jesus. While he prayed, the jail doors were opened, but he stayed so the jailer wouldn’t get in trouble. The jailer and his family became believers and were baptized because of the way Paul handled his misfortune. Even though he was in chains, he was encouraged that the imperial guard had all heard about his Jesus and other believers were more courageous in sharing their faith, all because of his imprisonment. This was the lesson on the day I didn’t get the second job.
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| Truth hanging in my kitchen |
I did not envision my life turning out this way. When I was younger, I did not think I would be a stay-at-home mom. I thought I would have a fancy job that really helped people. But then I did not get the Z. Smith Reynolds job that sounded really impressive. And then my job at Goodwill Industries helping people get jobs fell through the day I was moving to Winston because they lost their funding. And so I got a job in the Food Stamp Department because I had done an internship there. I learned a lot, but I did not really feel like I was helping people. I decided to go back to school to be a teacher because maybe I could help kids who were still in their formative years. I chose to work at a hard school, and I did it for 3.5 years until my son was born. But it was much harder than I ever thought it would be. I do think I helped some kids, but I don’t know that I was cut out for that kind of work. It was so, so hard and overwhelming to me, and I don’t think I handled the stress or the discipline issues super well. I looked forward to the day my son was born because I would finally get to meet him, and I would get to leave my job.
Then staying home was hard, too, in a different way. It was isolating because I didn’t know the importance of getting out and being with other moms, and I was hesitant to leave my firstborn with others. By the time he was 7 months old, I was ready to go back to teaching part-time at an easier school. I loved my job, and my son adjusted fairly well. He was worn out by the time I picked him up at 1:00, but he enjoyed preschool. This was a pretty good balance for us. I worked there for a year and a half, and then along came baby boy number two. He was a pure delight! I kept my word and went back to finish out the year after my 12 weeks of maternity leave, and my mom came to keep my little one until school was out. I thought I would be ready to go back after the summer, but then I wasn’t. My little one was so easy and cuddly and sweet. I decided I wanted to stay home with him. I knew he would nap better at home, and I wanted more time with him. The second one always grows faster than the first, you know.
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| Snuggles with Mom, yogurt on face, on a rare day that this little one didn't nap :) |
I stayed home with him and now he is twenty months old, and I thought I was ready to go back to work. But work hasn’t seemed to work out for me.
And now my firstborn isn’t napping. I kept fighting and fighting it, but I’m finding it’s easier to release it. He simply isn’t going to sleep most days, and it's not worth the battle. He is very active and he wants to be doing. So now he has quiet play time in his room instead of napping, and it’s going better because we both stopped pretending he was going to nap.
My ever-helpful husband suggested a routine, a schedule of sorts for the afternoon, and I liked his idea. I had hoped a job would solve this problem, but it looks as if that isn’t going to happen. So I checked out books with ideas for preschoolers and went to Hobby Lobby and got lots of craft materials, and we’re getting there. I am learning how to adjust and let him create and have fun with it. I always loved crafts as a child, so why not have fun doing them with my son now? The cashier at Hobby Lobby commented on how crafty I was and how much he'd love doing them, and I told her I'd never been very crafty but that I was going to try!
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| My firstborn, who is all too much like me! |
At first I wanted to fight it, not just the loss of the nap, but this whole season.
But then I didn’t anymore.
I want to live the best way I know how with the gifts I’ve been given, including my gracious husband and both of my sons, with all of their sweetness and joy and challenges and tantrums (from my sons, not my husband!). I have to lean into all of it if I am going to relish it and savor it. Even when it’s hard and I sometimes wish it were different, it is still very good. I have to remember that I can embody my Jesus to all three of my boys, and that is a very important job indeed. Staying at home sounds small, and in many ways it is, but I’m learning that being small is a good thing. The kingdom of God has always been upside down. The weak will be strong and the last will be first. Less of me and more of Him. Let it be so.
I'm strangely ready for what comes
next,
I'm strangely ready,
It’s hard to describe 'cause it
makes no sense.
I’m strangely ready for what comes
next.
Count it faith, I got up.
Nothing left for me yet but a
longing with trust.
Was it faith? I don’t know.
You just lifted and led me and I had
to go.
Now I’m strangely ready.
- from "Strangely Ready" by Sara Groves
